Bad Writing Example the second:
According to Marx, he read utilitarianism and he disagreed with it. He feels humans are alienated from the following nature,body,others ,and one’s own intellectual ability. Marx believes that people are alienated from nature or comes to hate the object he or she creates. In some cases you can say this is true although people are at times happy and pleased with the product of his or her labor. Alienation of the body stregnth, agility are all controlled by the capitalist for hid benefit. Alienation of others says workers see other workers simply as competitors for the rewards they are offered. Finally intellectual alienation is faced with contradictions. In Marxist terminology a contidiction is a notion that is correct by everyone around you but clearly false if thought about in any length of time by yourself.
Hoo boy. Let's see what we can make sense of after a rudimentary cleanup of spelling, grammar, punctuation, quantity agreement, etc.:
According to Marx, he read utilitarianism and he disagreed with it. He feels humans are alienated from the following: nature, body, others, and one’s own intellectual ability. Marx believes that people are alienated from nature or come to hate the object he or she creates. In some cases you can say this is true although people are at times happy and pleased with the product of his or her labor. Alienation of the body: strength, agility are all controlled by the capitalist for his benefit. Alienation of others says workers see other workers simply as competitors for the rewards they are offered. Finally intellectual alienation is faced with contradictions. In Marxist terminology a contradiction is a notion that is correct by everyone around you but clearly false if thought about in any length of time by yourself.
The clause "According to Marx, he read utilitarianism" suggests a nonnative English speaker, but the odd verbosity is evidence against. (People still learning English tend to use too few words, not too many.) Rework the confusing bit, trim the rest of the first two sentences and we get this:
According to Marx, he read utilitarianism and disagreed with it. He feels humans are alienated from nature, the body, others, and their own intellectual ability.
Moving on, we see a deep, pervasive confusion about tense, quantity and pronoun agreement. I notice a distinct absence of commas as well, too, though that's a lesser evil. Here's the cleanup:
Marx believes that people are alienated from nature or come to hate the objects they create. In some cases you can say this is true, although people are at times happy and pleased with the products of their labor.
This is actually pretty clear, but let's still tighten it up:
Marx believes people are alienated from nature, coming to hate the objects they create. In some cases this is true, although people are sometimes pleased with the products of their labor.
Basic repairs on the next two sentences give us this:
Alienation of the body: strength and agility are controlled by the capitalist for his benefit. Alienation of others says workers see other workers simply as competitors for the rewards offered.
Still a bumpy ride. The writer doesn't seem to have decided whether he wants to rattle off the qualities of the various types of alienation after colons or to do it in normal sentences, a sort of careless formal inconsistency common to low-quality prose. Here's my fix, hammering this in line with what came before:
Alienated from the body, their strength and agility are controlled by the capitalist for his benefit. Alienated from others, workers see other workers simply as competitors for the rewards offered.
I'm not quite sure what these final two sentences are trying to say, but I'll be the problem lies almost entirely in the first:
Finally intellectual alienation is faced with contradictions. In Marxist terminology a contradiction is a notion that is correct by everyone around you but clearly false if thought about in any length of time by yourself.
Like a cubist painting, this paragraph tries to come at its subject from a bunch of different angles at once. What worked for Picasso, alas, isn't quite as effective on a term paper. By saying that "intellectual alienation is faced with contradictions," I guess — and it is a guess — that the writer means that intellectual alienation is about being faced with contradictions. I'll try to get this expressed properly:
Finally, the intellectually alienated are faced with contradictions. In Marxist terminology, a contradiction is a notion thought correct by everyone around you but clearly false if thought about by yourself.
So let's reassemble the paragraph:
According to Marx, he read utilitarianism and disagreed with it. He feels humans are alienated from nature, the body, others, and their own intellectual ability. Marx believes people are alienated from nature, coming to hate the objects they create. In some cases this is true, although people are sometimes pleased with the products of their labor. Alienated from the body, their strength and agility are controlled by the capitalist for his benefit. Alienated from others, workers see other workers simply as competitors for the rewards offered. Finally, the intellectually alienated are faced with contradictions. In Marxist terminology, a contradiction is a notion thought correct by everyone around you but clearly false if thought about by yourself.
At least that's readily understandable, but where's the élan? I'll attempt to add some by, as usual, cutting whatever can be cut:
Marx disagrees with utilitarianism. He feels humans are alienated from nature, the body, others, and their own intellectual ability. Alienated from nature, they come to hate the objects they create. (In some cases this is true, although people are sometimes pleased with the products of their labor.) Alienated from the body, their strength and agility are controlled by the capitalist for his benefit. Alienated from others, they see fellow workers simply as competitors for rewards. Intellectually alienated, they face contradictions, which, in Marxist terminology, are notions widely believed true but clearly false if considered by oneself.
This is the guy you college freshmen are so excited about?
You should send along any and all 100-700-word samples of prose with which I can dick around to colinjmarshall at gmail. These should preferably not include the author's name or any source information.
I think this post is correct because it's all about Marxist terminology. And there are various types of alienations in this matters to use the same terms above, so it'd be nice if you can add something else about the theory.
Posted by: generic vigra | May 10, 2011 at 08:50 AM