Maybe it's me

“Is there a word,” I Asked MetaFilter “for the fear that you're doing something wrong but don't know what it is? Though my searches reveal nothing, I believe there simply must be a name for the fear that you're doing something wrong that prevents you from succeeding (broadly defined), but don't or cannot know what that wrong thing is. Someone suffering from this condition might strongly suspect that they constantly commit and have always committed some social faux pas but also feel unable to identify that faux pas.”

This line of thinking probably doesn’t come only from my recent re-reading of Errol Morris’ “The Anosognosic’s Dilemma: Something’s Wrong but You’ll Never Know What It Is”, though that did its part. I don’t fear the Dunning-Kruger Effect, when “our incompetence masks our ability to recognize our incompetence.” (Though, by definition, how would I know to fear it?) I don’t fear that the world has secretly turned against me, since I most often hear that sort of grumbling from people too powerless in the first place for a world to consider entities at all. I fear being held back, and knowing I’m being held back, by my own mistakes, mistakes I can’t identify.

In the world of Leonard “Stinky” Brown from Hate, “Could it be that I’m a total asshole and never realized it?” Now, I can’t point to any particularly harmful tics, critical knowledge gaps, routine oversights, or bad social behaviors on my part — but therein lies the whole problem! If I knew what I was doing wrong, I wouldn’t do it, but as it stands my only identifiable evidence remains my total lack of success. I don’t need anything more to stoke the worst suspicions about myself.

The MeFites came up with these possible banners:

• “Anxiety.”
• “Guilt.”
• “Dread.”
• “Unknown unknowns anxiety disorder.”
• “In my family we call that a ‘Maloney’. Not sure why, but whenever you are out and keep checking your fly to make sure it is up or wiping your face to make sure no food on it or fixing your clothes or asking, ‘Did you say something to me?’ we say, "’Why the Maloney?’ Whoever Maloney was, it was not my generation so I never met him/her.”
• “I always thought of it as ‘free-floating anxiety’ even though I may be misusing a clinical term.”
• “Neurotic?”
• “Trepidation?”
• “Apprehension.”
• “Lack of insight?”
• “Imposter syndrome: ‘Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.’”
• “Crippling paranoia.”

These all sound interesting, but don’t quite capture it. Suggestions? Try to let me know before my MacArthur Fellowship comes in, since that will probably make the condition go away.

Comments

[JT]

Status Anxiety.

[Sean]

I don't have a word for this, but posts like this highlight a potential social faux pas you might be committing: your incessant focus on your perceived lack of success. The undertone of conversations like this is, "I'm a better person than my lot in life suggests." That's a pretty aggressive humble-brag.

I should note that I'm only describing a possible perception, not reality. I think exploring the conditions of success, and the role one can take to improve those conditions, is both important and fascinating. But socially, I find that most people defer to the trite answer--almost all of the conditions of someone's success are almost always beyond her control--rather than risk the appearance of arrogance by continuing the conversation.

[Colin Marshall]

Oh, it's as aggressive a humble-brag as they come. But I can't think of any other strategy at the moment.

[Liam]

When you say "success," do you mean "being a success" in the eyes of society, or achieving a personal success?

I often suffer from something similar, though for me it doesn't really have to do with any anxieties of my status or how I'm perceived... but usually anytime I'm problem-solving or trying to achieve some personal goal there is the nagging sense that I don't really get "it" and a persistent fear that I might never get "it." This is sometimes tempered with the ego-maniacal notion that I'm the greatest and nobody else gets "it."

The symptoms you describe point to a sort of pathetic need to be successful within the qualifications of someone else. If that's the case, then you will never be "cool" because to be "cool," you need to ACTUALLY not give a fuck about being "cool." I didn't figure that out till way after high school (much to my chagrin). Diagnosis: uncool.

[Colin Marshall]

Not quite as specific as what you're looking for, but it definitely sounds as if your strain of anxiety is tinged with "Torschulsspanik" (German loanword which is actually in the OED, despite being pretty obscure).

[Liam]

I've never come across that word, but I totally identify with it. I guess I'm afraid of becoming an intellectual old maid; whiling away my years alone in a house full of malnourished ideas and cats.

[Justin]

I call that the “Not liking the subtle and vague hints The Universe is giving you syndrome,” and I am terribly afflicted by it.

[Matt]

It's probably important to distinguish between doing something wrong and some element of your character being "wrong". Behavior is (to a degree) malleable and subject to discipline, and in any event shape-shifts (to a degree) in the flow of circumstance. But to believe that you're an epiphany or tactical shift away from rehabilitating your way of being in the world, such that you're able to secure "success (broadly defined)", is to chase windmills.

Your anxiety's allegience is to itself, not to an objective assessment of reality. In other words, the part of you that worries over things like this isn't going away, no matter how many "wrong" behaviors you identify and correct, and no matter how successful you become. Your wiring is your wiring.

[UGG Bailey Button]

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[Micha]

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[poker en ligne]

C'est ce que j'appelle le "ne jouissent pas des indications subtiles et brumeux L'Univers est en vous donnant le syndrome", et je suis désagréablement tourmenté par elle.

[cheap tisa hat]

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[thesistown.com]

yes, maybe this is you)

[dedicated server]

Adrian Sanders, a Lib Dem MP, asks if the government will tighten the rules to ensure that people can be compelled to give evidence to select committees.